Monthly Archives: September 2012

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Resolution…partly

I think that the woman in the mountains really helped Tayo overcome most of his conflicts. As I mentioned before I think he felt really alone and like nobody wanted him. Her being there for him and wanting to be there with him really seemed to help a lot. Also, I think finally finding the cows gave him a sense of completion. I feel like he had a feeling of not being finished almost. Like he had started something but then he was thrown off track before he could finish it. It may not have been what he originally started but it gave him that feeling of completeness, like he finally finished what it was he set out to do. At the end of the pages we got to I think is the climax of the story. I know what’s going to happen and I definitely think that that is what’s really going to shock everyone. Overall I think Tayo learned to believe in himself. Sure it’s nice to have others there, and sometimes you need that other person there so that you can get to that point, but he needs to understand that he is ok.

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Ceremony

Tayo has a conflict with himself and his own mind. He has a conflict with how society treats him. He has a conflict with other people in his town. He has a conflict with how wet the jungle was in the war and how dry it is at home. Everywhere he turns there is some sort of conflict. A lot of the conflicts stem from the war and his PTSD, but some of it also stems from his mother and her reputation in the town. The fact that he is half native american half white doesn’t help him out at all either. I think that to resolve the conflict he has to find peace within himself. I’ve finished the book so I know what he ends up doing to try and resolve the conflict. I think that his way of thinking is sound in what he has to do to finally find peace with himself and that inner peace will spread to the other aspects of his life. It’s hard for me to pick a particular scene that I like the best because they are all so detailed in helping you to understand how he feels. I think that showing how much pain he has helps people to connect with him and feel sympathy for him. I’ve never experienced that much pain but I have been in pain so it helps to create a kind of connection to him. I feel sorry for him and I wish I could have been able to help in some way. (Sure it’s a fictional book but still I generally feel the need to help those who are hurting.) One scene that I do like, and please don’t take this a sign of me being a psychopath, is when Tayo gets drunk and attacks Emo. Part of it is because Emo is awful and has is coming, but part of it is because Tayo is addressing his pain. He isn’t addressing it in a healthy way mind you, but at least he’s saying to himself, “I’m hurting and I’m going to do something about it.”

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Wisdom Walk

My place was beautiful. A moss covered clearing deep in the forest far away from everyone else. A softly bubbling brook with the bright blue sky peeking through the tops of the trees. A soft warm breeze gently blew my hair across my face as I laid in the clearing. I could smell the moist earth and the bright smell of the brook as the crisp, cool water rushed by. I got up walking barefoot down the path that had at one point been well used but was now covered with a damp layer of fallen leaves. My hands brushed over the small saplings and the hard bark of the trees older than me by far. I breathed in the damp air smiling as I thought of the fairies that could be overhead like in Terebithia at girl scout camp. I walked happily through the soft meadow, birds chirping and small wildflowers reaching out for my ankles as I walked by. I sat at this magnificent tree and realized I wasn’t alone. He was there and I was happy resting against his shoulder as we sat. Then a sudden pang of hurt hit me. It couldn’t be true. I got up trying to shake the feeling and walk away. He followed me and I walked faster. It hurt how my mind could betray me like this. Make me believe he was there when I knew he couldn’t be. I walked into the house and shut the door but he still came in. I walked into one of the rooms and shut the door behind me trying to shut him out knowing he wasn’t there, knowing he couldn’t be there because he was such a wonderful person that he put someone he didn’t know above himself. Knowing that he was in a better place but wishing he could still be here with me.

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My Meditation

Dissatisfied. I have too many thoughts running through my head to ever not focus on something. There’s always something that comes to mind. Some problem I’m having, some trivial stupidity that in the long run means nothing but at this point in my life seems to be some terrible calamity. It sucks. I wish I could sit and not think. Not have anything come to mind. Not worry. No issues that come to the front of my mind and overwhelm my senses. I like sleeping. I may dream I may not but in the morning I rarely remember and it’s nice to have time to not think. Unfortunately preceeding my blissful hours of blankness I have to lay in bed for some seemingly indeterminable amount of time before I can slip through the soft door of sleep and finally have some peace. It’s a struggle to get there but once I’m there it’s worth the trouble and wait. Then too short of hours later my alarm clock blares in my ear cleaving me from my peaceful slumber and subjecting me to another day of endless thoughts.

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Meditation is…

Meditation is intense thought. Concentrating on one thing for so long that you can pull yourself away from it and get a better view. Say you’re thinking on your emotions. You think so long that you almost pull them out of you and hold them tight in your hand so that you can hold them at arms length to examine them and better understand them. Meditation is over complicated. People see it as this lofty thing that only those with intense patience and mind set can achieve. It can be as simple as laying in bed and thinking back over your day. Thinking of what you did and what you would change. Planning what you needed to do the next day. Meditation is a broad topic. From monks who live in silence and use meditation as prayer to the three year old who sits and stares at his blocks toy trying to figure out how to make it work like his mom does. There is no right or wrong way to meditate. It’s something that comes from inside you. You can’t force it. It needs concentration but you have to have the urge first. The need to sit and think on something, whatever it may be.

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When I Think of Meditation…

I think of thinking. Sitting in silence for hours and hours and just thinking. It also makes me think of that pinesol commercial where she’s meditating and starts floating in the air. I wonder if you could float if you meditated hard enough. Like Chris Angel. I think of Buddhism as well. Of Buddha sitting and relaxing which then lead to the start of a whole religion. Sometimes I wish I had the attention span required for meditation. But unfortunately I can barely focus long enough to stay on topic for our free write. Meditating makes me think of calm. Just being pulled apart from the world for awhile so that you can focus on yourself. I find reading a book kind of like meditating because when I read a book I go to a completely different world. Well if it’s a good book anyways. Then when I finally have to snap back to real life, which is rarely as much fun, I feel kind of dazed. Lots of candles and incense also come to mind. The haze of smoke in a dimly lit room. The cloying fragrance of some exotic spice floating around your head like the thoughts inside of it. Swirling to form different ideas and move you to new topics. The soft murmur of some low chant playing in the background that creates enough background noise to keep the mind on track but not so much that it distracts you from what it is you starting meditating for in the first place. A situation in which some people could get overwhelmed and not be able to handle some unseen pressure to think of something profound. Every thought that makes you think can be profound though…  

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Ceremony Free Write

In Ceremony I really didn’t enjoy the extremely vivid detail of how he was so sick. I realize that the author was trying to get to relate to his sickness and the hecticness of it all but it was not a pretty sight. I guess I’m just not so into thinking of someone waning and sick being thrown into bouts of vomiting for practically no reason whatsoever. Also he aunt didn’t seem to be any help at all. It’s almost as if she blamed him for Rocky not coming back in the first place. Like he’s the reason her real boy didn’t come back so it’s right for him to have this affliction as punishment for not protecting him. Rocky was the one that wanted to go in the first place anyways. If anything he should be blamed for Tayo’s PTSD. His flashbacks create such a vivid and crazy feeling throughout the book. It makes you feel kind of crazy yourself. It pulls you in because you feel connected with Tayo and the pain and brokenness he feels. I imagine feeling that way all the time and it just makes me shudder. If I had that kind of anguish going through my head all the time I’m not sure what I would do. Not only did his thoughts haunt him during the day but also throughout the night. I know that when I don’t feel well sleep is what I use to recuperate and feel safe. If my dreams turned on me too I’m not sure I would be able to handle it. He also had no one to talk to about it. Even with this own people he was somewhat of an outcast. Harley talked to him but I feel like if anything else he made things worse. In the hospital and a few of the other places he was regaining health he said he was invisible. I think that he was talking in third person like his ghost telling others that he couldn’t be seen. I guess it makes sense that he would want to fade into his surrounds and just kind of sink out of existence. It would be a painless way to go after years of pain and guilt. Just to fade away and no one even realize it. To have someone just walk right through you, because after the war he doesn’t matter anymore. During the war he was a soldier fighting for America and defending our great nation. But now that there’s no longer a threat he’s just another Indian. Just another unimportant figure that isn’t allowed in common society. But then he can’t just go back to his home either. His mother was an outcast, and he was a half-breed. He was seen as a mark of his mothers disgrace on the town. He wasn’t welcome in white culture, but then he wasn’t entirely welcome in Indian culture either. He was in a sort of emotional and cultural limbo where no one really wanted him and all he needed to get better was time and the comfort of others. Nothing was his fault. His mother screwed him over, his father (whoever he may be) screwed him over, the army screwed him over, his cousin screwed him over, the doctors at the hospital, the japanese, his aunt, white people, the list goes on and on of people that are part of the reason he is having these problems. All he really needs is the feeling that he belongs somewhere. Like he has a place where he is accepted and loved for who he is, not only if he fits in the mold of social convention that someone thinks he should fit in. I know that I’m happiest when I’m with my friends because they accept me for who I am, random bouts of energy and the attention span of and ADHD squirrel. I can just be me and that is what makes me happy. What’s painful is when someone gives off the impression that I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough to be in their group of friends, I’m not good enough to get the solo in chorus. Sure there are people better than me and I’m entirely ok with that. I’d never want to be the absolute best at everything that would be ridiculous. But when I feel alienated because someone is “better than me” it hurts. But then I can’t think of anyone who wants to be pushed out. Overall I feel really bad for Tayo. He was just hurting and needed someone who was really there for him.

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What is Equality?

 

  • Being treated the same
  • Involving others
  • Having the same elements in a set
  • Justice scales
  • Not feeling inferior
  • Not looking down your nose at others
  • Abolishing slavery
  • Women’s rights
  • Equal pay in jobs
  • Not stereotyping
  • Guys can iron and girls can fix cars
  • Being different doesn’t make you an outcast
  • Branching out
  • Making new friends
  • Girl scouts aren’t actually better than boy scouts
  • Not making fun of others
  • Involving everyone
  • Being all inclusive
  • Not worrying what others think
  • Trying new things without being afraid of what people will think
  • Not caring how many tattoos or piercings people have
  • Getting a tattoo for the message not just to fit in
  • Being yourself without worry
  • Not caring if someone is gay or straight
  • Not being exclusive of “weird people”
  • Who am I to say what’s weird
  • There is no real normal because everyone is different
  • Trying your best no matter what the situation
  • Living life without too much worry
  • Trusting others
  • Not snap-judging people
  • Liking what you like
  • Not hating someone because of one thing they did
  • Listening to other points of view with an open mind
  • Don’t miss a good opportunity
  • Being open with others
  • Not gossiping behind peoples backs
  • Treat others with respect
  • The golden rule
  • Going outside your comfort zone to help others
  • Being yourself
  • Not calling people names